Available Light

"Okay," says Tammy. "I'm ready."

She's ready, I think to myself. But I'm not. "Where are we going?" I ask. She says "I don't know. You're the director." Okay. I pause for a second while I take this in.

Let's go upstairs... The light is going fast. I get the whim to cover the camera's lens with wrapping paper lying around from Georgia's birthday party. I start taping it up and tearing holes in the paper. Tammy would have to be naked. It's a peephole idea, that's right! And for the heart, I might even be able to cut out a tiny heart-shaped hole.

But no. Nothing seems to be working out. The light is fading. We have to quit. Try again tomorrow.

The gear has been packed in the car for days now. We can shoot this guerrilla style with the battery-operated Looper. We lug the gear to Guelph and back without unpacking it. And I'm just waiting to go. Let's do it. We're late! But if it's not one thing, it's another.

It just doesn't seem to be working. It's too painful to release something to the world that I'm not so happy with. This lesson comes from having a time constraint. There is a must-upload-it-now impulse I'm starting to resist. I want to be happy. I'd rather propagate a seed with an imprint of positivity instead of stress. If I can't be happy...why do it all?

I pick out a random Angel card from the bowl on the dresser and it says "Perfectionism." Neat. I've never drawn this one before. Wait a minute! It doesn't say "Perfectionism," it says "Purification." Wow. How could I have misread that?

"Okay," says Tammy. "I'm ready."

She's ready, I think to myself. "Where are we going?" I ask. She says "You're the director, right?" Okay. I pause for a second while I take this in.

Let's go to the park. Somewhere outside. It's a beautiful spring day. And this is an outdoor set-up, we can't waste this song with an indoor concept. "What about the heart?" asks Tammy.

I click on the left-turn signal and park the van at the hardware store. I get back to the van a few minutes later with a can of red spray paint. Tammy says "I found an old temporary tattoo!" Nice! "Maybe we won't have to do the graffiti one today," I say. Put it on your right arm so we can see it when you play your guitar.

I follow my intuition and manage to get to a nice spot near the Zoo. And - what? Wow. Is that a heart on that tree? OMG. And yes, the light is changing quickly and the heart on that tree is being obscured by shadows... Available light dictates its own time-constraint.

"Okay." I'm ready. We're back again the next day. A different shot, a different attitude. Turns out, the previous videos have been dress rehearsals for the real thing. The wind picks up and adds the random element that's been missing. And finally, this sense of inner peace. This is right. I want to allow myself to get it right. Even if it takes three tries to get there.



Every Part
by Tammy Lin Foreman

I'll praise your grace
Erase your wrong
I'll wait forever
Or however long
It takes to make you feel my heart
Beating a path to your
Every part
My heart
Beating a path to your every part